Color Is Quiet Today
August 28, 2009 by Janice
Color is quiet today. It won’t even whisper. As soon as I woke way before dawn, my body felt it. Memories living and breathing. Color gone to grey.
Not that I want it this way.
I don’t.
I so don’t.
So I thought I would not write. Maybe not even paint.
But it’s hard not to do something.
Maybe I’ll work out. Push myself beyond my limits. Physically exhaust my muscles. Be in that moment. Not the ones intruding.
Maybe that would keep the bells at bay. The images receding. Maybe that would keep me present.
I looked to see what I had done before on this day, at this time. Where was I ? What did I show you?
Was color quiet then too?
No it wasn’t.
It was cake filled and effervescent, or still speaking of islands to me.
Where has it gone today?
I’m listening. Waiting. Eager even.
No.
Not a sound.
Just memories of hunkering down.
Of getting ready, of drawing in.
Maybe it’s knowledge crowding color out now.
Maybe it’s acceptance.
Mourning.
I thought I could be done with that. Let it go . Let it go . Let it go.
I try.
It just won’t let go of me.
Maybe color wants me to say something. Maybe color wants me to feel all the color gone missing. Swept away. Washed by wind and water. Lost. Quiet. Not to be the same.
It’s too big to ever be explained, or ever adequately painted.
So just for moment I’ll be quiet, just like the color gone missing from me today. I am thinking of friends of course, and a life I once had. Color. Spicy. Rich. Unique.
Color I have to find again.
Can’t change anything. Have to accept. And deal with what is.
So just for a moment. I’ll join color and be quiet.
In acknowledgment.
Maybe then color will come back to me…
Some gentle something calling me,
asking me to just wet the brush and dip it into some paint.
Take it slowly.
Softly.
And go for that walk.
And then later, later maybe a margarita…just a quiet one though. A toast to some ghosts and some friends.
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13 Responses to “Color Is Quiet Today”
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I guess we need the quiet to feel the cool breath of calm. Grey is a colour too, and you’ve painted it quietly and beautifully today.
“A toast to some ghosts and some friends.”
Like a rainbow, we consist of every color imaginable. Some days, however, one color speaks to us more than others.
It doesn’t mean its less important, mind you….but it does mean that perhaps a different sort of message is needed today by your inner spirit. Always be open to what your mood can teach you.
Thanks Joanna,
That was hard to write. Harder to feel. I think it must be true that our bodies store our experiences. And here like clockwork I am right back in New Orleans to relive it all over again…although that’s not the hardest part, the hardest part is knowing what comes after.
It’s a tough, tough weekend. I appreciate your words. they mean a lot to me. And they have the ring of truth to them.
Hi Barbara,
It’s always a pleasure to see you here.
I am not sure what to do with the messages this year. I think that’s the difference…Not knowing where to put them exactly. Raw, just raw… what does that tell us?
I don’t know. I really don’t.
So I think just to let them exist for now? Let them just be there?
I am stumped. Trying to just move through this. Don’t know if it belongs in the work, or is just one of those life markers that we have to live with. ???
is it 4 years already?
Your 9/11…
very sorry Janice..very hard
Quiet colors can be very strong. Proved by this post.
I wish you from my heart that the color and the joy will return.
Detlef,
Those are lovely wishes… and thank you. I ‘ll hold them close. This acute awareness… painful. Conflicting with what I am trying to paint…
Reading this on Monday morning and hoping that your colors are a little brighter today. And even if they aren’t, sometimes it’s ok to just sit and watch, see how the colors, or the absence of them, sometimes hit against us like rain on a window pane. We don’t have to do anything with them- just observe them- and wait- until the weather changes again. Some days are meant for remembering. Some memories, even difficult ones, are worth keeping. Not all paintings are pretty, but they can still have value.
Hugs.
Wendi,
“like rain on a window pane”
Which I adore actually… one of my favorite sounds.
Your words made me smile and cry…like permission and acknowledgment can do.. so I went to dry my hair and give myself one of those mirror pep talks. You know the ones. Mostly it was get a grip Jan, just get a grip. You have work to do. and sheesh.. shake it off… those mirrors…more puzzling than not.
Something is different this year about this.. something …that is more demanding, more raw feeling…but like said I don’t know what it is I am supposed to do with it, about it, …at least not just yet. And it is awfully hard to just contain it.
Your words and the care behind them.. are so soothing though and so much appreciated. Hugs back to you.
Janice, you have so moved my heart today that I honestly can’t form words to adequately express myself. You have managed to convey that quiet absence of color with such beauty that it bursts forth from the page with heart and passion. Sometimes we need to feel that grey, allow it to hold us and release the tears that when done allow the light to shine once again. Sending you hugs and hoping that the rays will burst forth for you and your world will once again be filled with cake.
Karen,
It’s hard isn’t it to just hold these kinds of thing? Let them have their time. None of us want to be that poster child for grief. I know you know what I mean. And yet it is a part of who we are. The truth of our story, ourselves.
Somehow, balance and equilibrium do return.
I just haven’t found a way to do a piece that does it justice. It would be a Guernica like piece for me. I just can’t bring myself to do it. Just yet. But maybe I should.
For now though, the good news is that I am painting again… the passion blooms.. and that’s a start.
Hugs right back to you. Thank you my friend.
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